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Here Speeching American
Cover of Here Speeching American
Here Speeching American
A Very Strange Guide to English as It Is Garbled Around the World
Borrow Borrow
THE STRANGEST (AND FUNNIEST) TRAVEL GUIDE YOU'LL EVER READ

The celebrated authors of the perennial bestseller The 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said set the typical travel guide squarely on its head–taking you from the airport to the hotel, from sightseeing to dining out–by using 100 percent real examples of fractured English as spoken and posted abroad:
• Feel like shopping?
We have no good things to sell.
–shop sign, Lovina Beach, Bali
• Feeling sick?
Are you haunted by the horribles? Do you run after your own nose?
–Japanese medical form
• Wondering what to wear?
A sports jacket may be worn to dinner, but no trousers.
–in a French hotel brochure
• Wondering where to eat?
Grill and Roast your clients! Open for lunch, dinner and Sunday Brunch.
–slogan of the Hibiscus restaurant in the Jakarta Hilton International
But don't take our word for it, come see for yourself. And if that's too much to ask, remember the sage advice from the staff of a Taipei hotel: "If there is anything we can do to assist and help you, please do not contact us."
THE STRANGEST (AND FUNNIEST) TRAVEL GUIDE YOU'LL EVER READ

The celebrated authors of the perennial bestseller The 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said set the typical travel guide squarely on its head–taking you from the airport to the hotel, from sightseeing to dining out–by using 100 percent real examples of fractured English as spoken and posted abroad:
• Feel like shopping?
We have no good things to sell.
–shop sign, Lovina Beach, Bali
• Feeling sick?
Are you haunted by the horribles? Do you run after your own nose?
–Japanese medical form
• Wondering what to wear?
A sports jacket may be worn to dinner, but no trousers.
–in a French hotel brochure
• Wondering where to eat?
Grill and Roast your clients! Open for lunch, dinner and Sunday Brunch.
–slogan of the Hibiscus restaurant in the Jakarta Hilton International
But don't take our word for it, come see for yourself. And if that's too much to ask, remember the sage advice from the staff of a Taipei hotel: "If there is anything we can do to assist and help you, please do not contact us."
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Recommended for you

Excerpts-
  • Chapter 1 Air Travel

    Your trip abroad often begins before you set foot in your destination country. We are speaking, of course, of foreign airlines. What better way to immediately get to know the people and the culture, and to get a glimpse of the fun times you'll soon be having, than flying on your host country's national carrier?

    The first impression you'll get of the country you'll be visiting is from your flight crew. They are carefully selected to be the perfect ambassadors.

    Duck feet? You're out. Pigeon toes? Out! Bowlegs, pimples, warts, moles, dark skin, scars, bad breath? Out! . . . [And] they must be virgins.

    Hao Yu-ping, director of flight attendant school at China Air, describing the airline's requirements for flight attendants

    The stewardesses of Southwest Airlines must go through four steps, such as hardship, tiredment, dirt feeling. Beside the quality of general stewardess.

    from the first edition of Chinese airline Southwest Civil Aviation's Inflight Magazing [sic]

    And they're trained to give you exceptional--even exotic--service.

    Sir would you like some sauce on your balls?

    Singapore Airlines stewardess, quoted in Singapore newspaper

    The crew will want to make your flight as comfortable and safe as possible, so read the helpful material in the seat pocket--and be assured of a relaxing, worry-free trip.

    Bags to be use in case of sickness of to gather

    remains.

    slogan on a Spanish airline's airsickness bag

    And an itch-free trip too!

    Dear Passenger,

    Wish you have a joyful journey!

    When you are in public talking and laughing and drinking and singing . . . living a happy life, suddenly you feel some part of your body is too itchy to endure. How embarrassed! Please dial fax 01-491-0253, you will gain an unexpected result.

    Air China brochure

    You may want to read the specifics of your flight for further reassurance.

    International Fright Information

    airline timetable, China Airlines in-flight magazine

    Maximum cruising fright level

    in-flight magazine, China Eastern Airlines

    So settle back and dip into that in-flight magazine. What a wonderful way to begin your vacation!

    Enjoy French odor in the South Pacific.

    from a French airline (UTA) and government of New Caledonia ad

    We'd like to offer our affection as a gift by the white bird on sky to every genuinely go the same may together with you. This is our only requite to you.

    dedication, Xiamen Airlines in-flight magazine, China

    Take this opportunity to read about the sights you'll soon be be seeing.

    Situated in the monsoon tropical zone, though the year covered with luxuriant vegetations, the land of Dai La by the Red River is "printed the forms of sitting tiger and winding dragon. . . . looking all over Vietnamese country, that's land of scenic beauty, an important metropolistes indeed for four directions to gatter and the first rank of city merined to be regarded as Capital forever."

    in-flight magazine, Vietnam

    Incest sticks hang from the ceil-

    ing of a Taoist temple.

    Morning Calm, in-flight

    magazine, Korean Air

    What an informative and exotic learning experience! And get ready for an exotic eating experience too! We're not talking little foil packets of Planters Peanuts . . .

    Fduhy Sesane

    China Airlines (CAAC) snack food

    We will now be serving snakes.

    Singapore Airlines stewardess,

    quoted in Singapore newspaper

    Near the end of the flight, you'll often be handed an immigration card. It's times like these you may...

About the Author-
  • Kathryn Petras collected The 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said and put them all in a book. Her other works, coauthored with her brother Ross, include Don't Forget to Sing in the Lifeboats and It All Seems Impossible Until It's Done. She lives in New York City.
    Ross Petras, along with his sister, Kathryn Petras, collected The 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said. His other works, also coauthored with his sister, include Don't Forget to Sing in the Lifeboats and It All Seems Impossible Until It's Done. He lives in New York City.
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    Random House Publishing Group
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Digital Rights Information+
  • Copyright Protection (DRM) required by the Publisher may be applied to this title to limit or prohibit printing or copying. File sharing or redistribution is prohibited. Your rights to access this material expire at the end of the lending period. Please see Important Notice about Copyrighted Materials for terms applicable to this content.

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Here Speeching American
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A Very Strange Guide to English as It Is Garbled Around the World
Kathryn Petras
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